todays log one of this website and i wanted to make it ccause um

ill just get it over witth i think im dying. i dont think im going to make it to december. and im really scared.

my names lance, im just 24, born in january 2001 on the 22nd? or was it the 24th, ive kind of forgotten, its not that important anyways.

ive kind of always been a failure, i wanted to major in engineering but ended up dropping out, and my grades were always just like,,, B averages? especially with the poorly funded schools i went to, its more like a D or low C average

but i mean, theres nothing really wrong with that, i kind of just have less chances and thahts fine

ive been doing some weird freelance gigs online for cash, sicnce ive just been living in the same room i grew up in

i want to say its nice but all it really does is remind me of my past, alot of stuff in here is from when i was in highschool

a week or so ago i ended up just like, feeling really bad, throwing up, headaches, lack of energy to do much, usual stomach bug stuff, but i havnt recovered since

infact its even sort of got worse, ive been throwing up less but that might just because ive eaten more soup noodles type food, and i can barely even get out of bed anymore

ive been reeally really sad, im sorry if this is sudden but all of my friends succeeded in life and stopped talking to me as much since theyre "so busy", i know they just hate me.

i used to cry alot about tthis, but now i just cant??? stack that ontop of my sickness, everything feels so bad, i cant man i jjust aeuhghhghghg i cant word this,,... i tthink im going to just rot in this room and nobody will remember me???

its like, 2am almsot as writing this, im sort of just writing alot of stuffo n my mind, wrell this isnt reall y writing, its kind of just typing, is that the same??? im not a very good writer, just doing what i could in english

speaking of english, one of my teachers was a totaaall bitcchhh..... she would always make us do these assignments of being all deep into our lives, but likke, i dont remember alot of mine, so she would always get mad and fail me, i passed with like, a D loll

i used to have a brother whod help out, i say used cause he pretty much ghosted me, i dont even really know why, i know my parents are kind of shitty, but im in the same boat as him, and now im just as stuck with them as he was as a kid.

sometimes ill stalk his accounts, im really jealous, hes a succcessful like.... programmer, kind of inspired me to make this, althoguh its kind of bad...

hes also alot cooler than me, hes got like, 800 followers on twiiter/(x if ur lamee) and draws furry stuff and gets paid for it, i alawys feel like talking to him but im just so scared he wont like me since hes alot cooler now

every once and a while, ill go on a alt account of steam and join him to try to be his friend, but i never really say anything, so he usually gets creeped out of me following him saying nothing and he leaves, one time he posted about it and the post blew up i was so scared and emberassed i tried to forget i even had a brother hahahai it even kind of worked for a bit, eventually i just became less obvious though

but um,, ishould try to be friends with him or atleast someone online, i sort of miss talking to people, i dont think i have to anyone in like 3 or 4 weeks??

i gotta yell out of my room if i need food or to talk to my parebnts, they try not to interact with me just so they dont get sick, i dont blame them...

i kind of just... play alot of games, sometimes read, thats sort of it really, like thats literally it, im not leaving out masturbation or something weird >_> i feel to gross to do that anyways, plus, one time i did, it just gave me a worse headache

speaking of that, why do people do it so much? i mean i get it sort of feels good but at a certain point dont you start to miss actual love? or i guess actual sex if thats all you care about?

love is really weird, ive had run ins with it aa um mffew times bb utu htahths ok thats naothing nothing anyways

oh man i just realize how much ive talked, im sorry, i dont think ill update this everyday but i thhink its helping me a bit more like, talkative maybe?? atleast just online

woah it even made me forget that i was talking abbout how i was dying, about that

the sickness just progresses more and more, i already feel really bad and its just september, or is that october, january march may april june july september october november december no thats 10 fuck whats the other months???

its whatever, but i feel super crappy already, and its only 9/21/25, if this continues then im gonna die probably in 2-3 months, and i dont know how to fix it

im gonna go to the doctor soon, this is way too crazy to be a common cold or anything, but ive never found anything online like it

anyways, im gonna go try to sleep now, if that doesnt work i might just... play roblox or something, i wanna play that orrh emulator, it looks really fun but like ive said you need people to play with and i dont exactly have anyone to do that withahhaalol